BamamaPancakes

My grief is like an ocean. Its waters hold a thousand tears, and it rocks with the tide of my mind, pulled by the sky, echoing the lullabies that could have been. It changes. Some days a slick calm welcomes you with a peace of being; others, the waves spill in choppy jabs towards the shore, unsure of their direction; and some days, the waters are fierce. It is vast and deep. It carries light and life within it, around it. It is the taste, the smell, the feel of saltwater; letting it roll across your wounds, healing, though it stings. You have to feel. I can see how you can be swallowed up whole by it. Waves of sadness unfairness guilt pain anger heartbreak what if, what if, what if. Pounding. The knowledge of what should have been, and what will not be, knocking you flat. You have to remind yourself to catch your breath between the waves. On a calm day, sometimes one of those comes out of nowhere and hits you, throwing you down and under so you don’t know which...

Somehow, it’s the middle of February. I’m not sure when that happened. I figure it’s about time for a Sheaffer family update. I wish I had a super clever, less discombobulated way to throw our current lives into words, but alas, it ain’t happenin. Good thing I don’t teach writing or anything. Addie’s favorite past times are still mostly school, doctoring, and outfit changes, something she is now infamous for among those who spend more than 5 minutes at our house. While she fervently loves her fashion, socks with shoes is apparently The Worst, which is particularly annoying on cold days when we must both demand socks be worn and get to school on time(ish). At least the weather has been consistent for us. LOLZ.   Speaking of climate change, Adalyn also recently discovered science experiments (Thanks Uncle Jordan/Tia) which coincidentally are really fun for adults too. Underwater volcanos that change colors?? Yes please! Additionally, Sheaff has learned nearly all the words to at...

People, very kindly, ask how we are doing a lot, especially as the holidays have settled. We usually answer that we’re good, and that’s true most days. Christmas held its usual magic with the girls. We talked to Santa; we attempted crafts.   There were old traditions and new traditions. Addie wanted to help wrap; Bria wanted to help unwrap. They sang [read: yelled] the same carols over and over. White Christmas was the favorite movie, with the Grinch being a close runner-up. Bria learned to say no, and now happily babbles it even when no one is near her. We’ve transitioned to the bunk beds Santa brought, and both kiddos love it. Addie studied the screws and confirmed that it was in fact made by elf magic. Like most human parents, we’ve been excited to get into routine for January – normal meals, normal bedtimes, normal pre-school and story times and Amazement Square. January already seems to be moving quickly. Sometimes I can’t believe we lost a baby. It was just over a month ...